—and, ultimately, a fear of loss—is at the heart of the fear of intimacy for many people. And these two fears may often coexist. Although the fears are dramatically different from one another, both cause behaviors that alternately pull the partner in and then push them away again.

These fears are generally rooted in past childhood experiences, and triggered by the here-and-now of adult relationships. Often, we have experienced abandonment as a child and continue to carry deep within us the wound of that trauma.

Those who have a fear of engulfment are afraid of being controlled, dominated, or “losing themselves” in a relationship, and this sometimes stems from growing up in an enmeshed family.

People who are afraid of others’ judgment, evaluation, or rejection are naturally more likely to shy away from making intimate, personal connections. In addition, some specific phobias, such as the fear of touch, may occur as part of the fear of intimacy.

While enmeshed families may, on the surface, appear to be loving and supportive, boundaries and roles might be blurred and lead to issues with attachment, independence, and intimacy.

Parents who are physically but not emotionally available send the message to children that they (and by extension, others) can’t be relied on.

People who have lost a parent through death, divorce, or imprisonment may be left with feelings of abandonment and may have a harder time forming romantic attachments as adults. Research has found that a fear of abandonment is associated with mental health problems and later anxiety in romantic relationships.

Illness in a parent can result in a feeling of not being able to rely on anyone but oneself – especially when it involves role reversal or the need to “play parent” and care for other siblings at a young age.

Research suggests that parental mental illness, such as narcissistic personality disorder, can affect attachment formation in children, which may result in insecure attachment and poor coping strategies in adulthood.

Substance use issues can make it difficult for parents to provide consistent care, which can interfere with the formation of attachments.

Abuse in childhood can make it difficult to form both emotional and sexual intimacy as an adult. 

People who experienced neglect as children may find it difficult to trust and rely on others, including intimate partners, as adults.

Children who are emotionally abused may grow into adults who fear being ridiculed or verbally abused if they share anything with others, which can lead to an inability to share things and be vulnerable in relationships with other people.